Tom: Yesss... The two best girls in the series, with the only mind worthy of them...
Luna: Severus would probably argue that, except that you'd Crucio him for it...
Hermione: Um, you
do remember I'm Muggleborn?
Tom: Nobody's perfect. You're two halves of one whole, so if one has one, one needs both. Besides, not only do I get the two best girls in the series, but I remove the two that have been carrying Potter. He's lost without you...
Luna: He's pretty lost
with us, actually...
Hermione: But, how do you propose to
win us?
Tom: Well, I usually start with kidnapping...
Hermione: Yes, yes... But
after that?
Tom: I've slipped love potion in your drinks.
Hermione: You did
what?!!
Luna: That's very rude, you know.
Tom: Hey, I'm
evil. Besides, no one gave Ginny any flack over using love potion as perfume. As I recall, Luna, you even talked about how
nice she was and how much you
liked her.
Luna: That... was the love potion affecting me. It was very rude of
her, too...
Ginny: Hold it right there, Tom!
Tom: Oh, you...
Ginny:
Yes, me! Get your hands off of what's
mine!
Hermione: Oh, for... I thought you'd decided
Harry was yours!
Tom: She's greedy.
Luna: Your influence, no doubt... Sniff... Oh dear, she's using the "perfume", again... And a lot
of it.
Hermione: Dammit!!! Ginny, if I'm ever around you when you're not giving me the love potion whammy, you're
so going to get it!
Harry: Hermione! Luna! Where have you been!
Hermione: Tom captured us, but we escaped after Ginny showed up...
Luna: We exhausted him with group sex, and escaped while he was asleep.
Harry: WHAT?!!!
Hermione: You didn't
have to mention the group sex.
Luna: (shrug) I'm honest... And really, Harry, with that love potion perfume Ginny uses, you shouldn't be at all surprised.
Harry: She uses love potion? Where
is she, anyway?
Hermione: Molly grounded her over the group sex.
Harry: Dammit! He got all three of you before
I did?!!!
Luna: And we got
him before you did, too.
Harry: Arrgh! Um, I mean, why would that bother me?
Luna: Because...
Hermione: Luna, he's not ready for
all of the uncomfortable truths. Let's stick to why we came. Harry, he made a couple of valid points. First, Luna and I are two halves of a whole...
Luna: A very yummy whole, or so we've been told recently...
Hermione: And... Harry... I don't know how to tell you this...
Luna: You've become a jerk, and dumb as a troll, too.
Harry: Huh?!!
Hermione: I guess I'm the half with some
tact.
Anyway... You're... lost without us, and we both bring out the best in you...
Luna: So, for you to be the true Hero you were meant to be, we must
shag you.
Hermione: The fate of the wizarding world
depends on it.
Harry: But... What about Ron?
Luna: (confused) You mean you two aren't shagging him, already? You
both want to...
Hermione: Luna! I
told you he isn't
ready for all the uncomfortable truths!
Meanwhile, back at the Evil Lair...
Tom: (waking up) Hey! Where'd they
go?!!
Bella: They escaped while you slept, my Lord.
Tom: Dammit! Next time I'm posting guards...
Bella: Why do you
need them, my Lord? You have me and Cissy...
Tom: Yes,
speaking of people who keep slipping off...
Bella: I
do need to put a bell on her. I have the hardest time tracking her down. She's getting as bad as Andromeda. But still, aren't two hot sisters enough?
Tom: No, dammit! I need the full
collection! A
curse on that mudblood for stealing one of my Black Sisters! Some things you just
don't do, and breaking up a set is one of them!!! Why did she
leave me?!!!
Bella: She said something about being no one's property... I just don't understand that girl... Cursed mudbloods, with their strange ways... They actually told her that sharing our sisterly love was
wrong! I told her: "The Dark Lord
wants us to share our sisterly love." And she told
me, and I quote: "The Dark Lord is a big
perv!"
Tom: Well, of
course I'm a big perv! I'm the Dark
Lord!