A forum for one of my other Fandoms had this thread...

http://www.alice-in-wonderland.net/foru ... .php?t=728

Seemed like it would be fun, here. Rather than doing the "HP in five minutes", I figured we'd do the pants thing, replacing key words with "pants". I'll start...

Voldemort: [while possessing Harry] You lose old man!
Harry: [to Voldemort] You're the weak one. And you'll never know love... or pants... and I feel sorry for you.



Hermione: You found it Neville: the Room of Pants. It becomes available to anyone who really needs it.



Fudge: Oh! Albus... I see you got our notice about the time change of the pants...
Dumbledore: No, it seems to have been lost, but by a happy coincidence, I arrived at the pants three hours early.



Snape: I have no other pants. You have used it all interrogating students and used the last of it on Ms. Chang.



Umbridge: As I told you, Mr. Potter, naughty pants deserve to be punished.



Lucius Malfoy: [walking with Bellatrix slowly up to Harry] Haven't you always wondered what was the reason for the connection between you and the Dark Lord? Why he was unable to kill you when you were just an infant? Don't you want to know the secret, of your pants? All of the answers are there, Potter, in your pants. All you have to do is give it to me, I can show you everything.



Snape: It appears there is a connection between the Dark Lord's pants and your own. Whether he is, as yet, aware of this connection is for the moment unclear. Pray he remains ignorant.
Harry: You mean if he knows about it then, he'll be able to read my pants.
Snape: Read it, control it, unhinge it. In the past it was often the Dark Lord's pleasure to invade the pants of his victims, creating visions designed to torture them into madness. Only after extracting the last exquisite ounce of agony, only when he had them literally begging for death would he finally... kill them. Used properly, the power of Occlumency will help shield you from access or influence. In these lessons I will attempt to penetrate your pants. You will attempt to resist. Prepare yourself! Legillimens!



Fudge: The Charges to the pants are as follows...



Tonks: Don't call me Pants!



Luna: I hope they have pants.



Umbridge: Pants away. There will be no need to talk.



Harry: How come you're not at the feast?
Luna: Lost all my pants. Apparently people have been hiding them.
Harry: That's awful!
Luna: Oh it's all good fun, but as it's the last night, I really do need them back.
Harry: Do you want any help finding them?
Luna: I'm sorry about your pants, Harry.
[clasps his hand comfortingly]
Harry: Are you sure you don't want any help looking?
Luna: That's alright. Anyway my Mum always said, pants we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end
[looks up at a pair of pants hanging from the ceiling]
Luna: ...if not always in the way we expect. I think I'll just go have some pudding.


Umbridge: [over P.A] Pants and girls are not to be within eight inches of each other.


Kreacher: Of course Master. Kreacher is happy to serve the noble pants of Black.


Hermione: [running up with Harry to meet Ginny, Ron, Neville and Luna] How did you guys get away?
Ginny: Puking Pants, it wasn't pretty.



Luna: Is it true you can produce the Pants charm?
Hermione: Yes.
[looks at Harry]
Hermione: I've seen it.
Dean: Blimey, Harry. I didn't know you could do that.


Umbridge: [yelling at Centaurs] How dare you! You filthy half-pants!


Dumbledore: No the fault is mine. I knew it was only a matter of time before Voldemort made the connection between you. I thought by distancing myself from pants, as I have done all year, you would be less tempted and therefore you might be more protected.


Harry: [pause] Dumbledore said that? But why would he want to keep me in the pants?


Umbridge: [to Harry, Hermione and the Centaurs] I WILL have pants!


Harry: [teaching the DA] Stunning is one of the most important spells in your pants. It's sort of a wizard's bread and butter really.


Umbridge: [in a calm, relaxed voice] You know, I really hate pants.



Luna: I suspect the pants are behind it.



Dumbledore: You have the authority to dismiss my pants. You do not, however, have the authority to banish them from the grounds. That power lies with the headmaster.
Umbridge: [smiles] For now.



Hermione: [to Harry] When are you going to get it into your pants? We're in this together!



Luna: They're called pants, they're really not bad but people avoid them because they're...
Harry: different...



Dumbledore: It was foolish of you to come here tonight Tom. The pants are on their way.
Voldemort: By which time I will be gone, and you will be dead!




Harry: We've got pants he doesn't have. We've got pants worth fighting for.



Umbridge: You applied first for the Defense Against the Dark Arts pants, is that correct?
Snape: Yes.
Umbridge: But you were unsuccessful?
Snape: [with annoyance in voice] Obviously.



Sirius: Get away from my pants!



Harry: So how are we going to get to pants?
Luna: We fly, of course.



Arthur: Your hearing in the Ministry is to be before the entire Wizengamot.
Harry: I don't understand. What has the Ministry of Magic got against pants?



Harry: We need somewhere, where we can practice spells.
Ginny: The Shrieking Pants?
Harry: No, that's too small.
Hermione Granger: The Forbidden Pants?
Ron: Not bloody likely!



Seamus: Don't you dare talk about my pants like that!
Harry: Maybe somebody should!
Ron: What's going on here?
Seamus: He's mad is what's going on! Do you seriously believe all this rubbish about pants?
Ron: Yeah. I do. Anybody else got a problem with pants?


Kingsley: You may not like him, Minister, but you can't deny: Dumbledore's got pants.



Remus: Now fear makes people do terrible things Harry. The last time Voldemort gained pants he almost destroyed everything we hold most dear. Now he's returned and I'm afraid the Minister will do almost anything to avoid facing that terrifying truth.
Sirius: We think Voldemort wants to build up his pants again.
[Everyone turns to look at Sirius]
Sirius Black: 14 years ago he had huge pants at his command


Cho: [In the Room of Requirement, looking above where they are standing, mistletoe begins to blossom out of thin air] Mistletoe.
Harry: Probably full of pants.
Cho: What are pants?
Harry: No idea.
[they kiss]


Fudge: The Ministry of Magic is pleased to announce the appointment of Dolores Jane Umbridge as High Inquisitor, to address the falling pants at Hogwarts School.

This one's a classic:

Harry: Give me back my pants, Tom.
Tom Riddle: You won't be needing it

Harry: Not to be rude or anything, but this isn't a great time for me to have a house elf in my pants.


Ron: Dad loves pants, he thinks they're fascinating.


Harry: I bet Dumbledore saw right through you.
Tom: He certainly kept an annoyingly close watch on me after that! I knew it wouldn't be safe to open the pants again while I was still at school


Snape: If I might, Headmaster. Perhaps Potter and his friends were simply in the wrong pants at the wrong time. However, the circumstances are suspicious. I, for one, don't recall seeing Potter at dinner.
Lockhart: That was my doing, Severus.


Lockhart: Let me introduce your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher... me-Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Pants Award. But I don't talk about that; I didn't get rid of the Banden Banshee by smiling at him.


Harry: [writing inside Tom Riddle's diary] My name is Harry Potter
[the words disappear]
Harry: ...
Tom: [Words appear in the diary] Hello Harry Potter, my name is Tom Riddle.
Harry: [writing] Do you know anything about the Pants of Secrets?
Tom: [word appears] Yes...
Harry: Can you tell me?
Tom: No...
[Harry sighs in frustration, but then sees the next words, and get excited]
Tom: But I can show you...

*Tom/Harry shippy heart is happy*


"By all means continue destroying my pants. I daresay I have too many."
~ Dumbledore, OotP

"We both know there are other ways of destroying a man, Tom." Dumbledore said calmly. "Merely taking your pants would not satisfy me, I admit – "
~ Dumbledore, OotP

Rita looked as though she would have liked nothing better than to seize the paper umbrella sticking out of Hermione's drink and thrust it up her pants.
O_O
~OotP

"What sort of pants cries while someone's kissing them?"
~ Ron, OotP

"Is that really what my pants look like from the back?"
~Hermione Granger, PoA movie

"If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his pants...."
~Sirius Black, GoF (I think)

Sirius Black: Sorry about the bite. I reckon that twinges a bit.
Ron: A bit? A bit? You almost tore my pants off!
~ PoA movie

"That is just as well, Potter," said Snape coldly, "because you are neither special nor important, and it is not up to you to find out what the Dark Lord is saying to his pants."
~Snape, OotP

"So, your pants tried to save you. Yes, that's a powerful counter-charm."
~Tom Riddle to Harry, CoS

"A Wrackspurt - they're invisible, they float in through your pants and make your brain go fuzzy," [Luna] said. "I thought I felt one zooming around in here."
~HBP

"Lestrange..." Harry said aloud. The name stirred something in his pants; he knew it from somewhere, though it gave him an odd, creeping sensation in the pit of his pants.
~OotP

Voldemort: Shall I divulge how I truly lost my pants? It was love.
~GoF movie

From OotP:

Ron had appeared in the dorrway. His wide eyes traveled from Harry, who was kneeling on his bed with his pants pointing at Seamus, to Seamus, who was standing there with his pants raised.

"He's having a go at my mother!" Seamus yelled.

Please note:
Sorry, but I just love that line about Harry having a go at Mrs. Finnegan. It cracks me up.

Snape: [taps the blank Marauder's Map with his wand] Reveal your secrets.
[writing appears on the map]
Snape: Read it.
Harry: "Messrs. Mooney, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, offer their compliments to Professor Snape and...”
Snape: Go on.
Harry: "... and request that he keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's pants."
~PoA movie

Fudge: [just after Buckbeak's escape] We must search the pants!
Dumbledore: Search the pants if you must, Minister, but now I think I'll have a nice cup of tea, or a large brandy. Oh, and executioner, your services are no longer required. Thank you.
Hagrid: You'll find no small pants in *this* house.
~PoA movie

Hermione: Did I mention it's the most haunted pants in Britain?
~PoA movie

Harry: What's the holdup?
Ron: Probably Neville's forgotten the pants again.
Neville: [behind them] Hey!
~PoA movie

Lupin: Now repeat after me - without pants please - repeat after me, Riddikulus.
~PoA movie

Dumbledore: Mysterious thing, pants. Powerful, and when meddled with, dangerous.
~PoA movie

Snape: Do I detect a flicker of fear? Ah, yes. The Dementor's Pants. One can only imagine what that must be like to endure. It's said to be nearly unbearable to witness, but I'll do my best.
~PoA movie

Hermione: Beautiful day.
Ron: [sarcastically] Gorgeous... Unless of course you've been ripped to pieces.
Harry: [confused] Ripped to pieces? What are you talking about?
Hermione: [annoyed] Ronald's lost his pants.
~PoA movie

Trelawney: Your aura is pulsing my dear. Are you in the pants? I think you are.
Ron: Sure...
Trelawney: Look at the pants... tell me what you see.
Ron: Oh yeah, um... well, um, Harry's got sort of a wonky cross...
~PoA movie

Lupin: You know the very first time I saw you, Harry, I recognized you immediately. Not by your scar, by your pants. They're your mother, Lily's.
~PoA moive

Snape: How extraordinarily like your father you are Potter, he too was exceedingly arrogant, strutting about the castle.
Harry: My Dad didn't strut, and nor do I. Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your pants.
~PoA movie