A forum for one of my other Fandoms had this thread...
http://www.alice-in-wonderland.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=728
Seemed like it would be fun, here. Rather than doing the "HP in five minutes", I figured we'd do the pants thing, replacing key words with "pants". I'll start...
Voldemort: [while possessing Harry] You lose old man!
Harry: [to Voldemort] You're the weak one. And you'll never know love... or pants... and I feel sorry for you.
Hermione: You found it Neville: the Room of Pants. It becomes available to anyone who really needs it.
Fudge: Oh! Albus... I see you got our notice about the time change of the pants...
Dumbledore: No, it seems to have been lost, but by a happy coincidence, I arrived at the pants three hours early.
Snape: I have no other pants. You have used it all interrogating students and used the last of it on Ms. Chang.
Umbridge: As I told you, Mr. Potter, naughty pants deserve to be punished.
Lucius Malfoy: [walking with Bellatrix slowly up to Harry] Haven't you always wondered what was the reason for the connection between you and the Dark Lord? Why he was unable to kill you when you were just an infant? Don't you want to know the secret, of your pants? All of the answers are there, Potter, in your pants. All you have to do is give it to me, I can show you everything.
Snape: It appears there is a connection between the Dark Lord's pants and your own. Whether he is, as yet, aware of this connection is for the moment unclear. Pray he remains ignorant.
Harry: You mean if he knows about it then, he'll be able to read my pants.
Snape: Read it, control it, unhinge it. In the past it was often the Dark Lord's pleasure to invade the pants of his victims, creating visions designed to torture them into madness. Only after extracting the last exquisite ounce of agony, only when he had them literally begging for death would he finally... kill them. Used properly, the power of Occlumency will help shield you from access or influence. In these lessons I will attempt to penetrate your pants. You will attempt to resist. Prepare yourself! Legillimens!
Fudge: The Charges to the pants are as follows...
Tonks: Don't call me Pants!
Luna: I hope they have pants.
Umbridge: Pants away. There will be no need to talk.
Harry: How come you're not at the feast?
Luna: Lost all my pants. Apparently people have been hiding them.
Harry: That's awful!
Luna: Oh it's all good fun, but as it's the last night, I really do need them back.
Harry: Do you want any help finding them?
Luna: I'm sorry about your pants, Harry.
[clasps his hand comfortingly]
Harry: Are you sure you don't want any help looking?
Luna: That's alright. Anyway my Mum always said, pants we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end
[looks up at a pair of pants hanging from the ceiling]
Luna: ...if not always in the way we expect. I think I'll just go have some pudding.
Umbridge: [over P.A] Pants and girls are not to be within eight inches of each other.
Kreacher: Of course Master. Kreacher is happy to serve the noble pants of Black.
Hermione: [running up with Harry to meet Ginny, Ron, Neville and Luna] How did you guys get away?
Ginny: Puking Pants, it wasn't pretty.
Luna: Is it true you can produce the Pants charm?
Hermione: Yes.
[looks at Harry]
Hermione: I've seen it.
Dean: Blimey, Harry. I didn't know you could do that.
Umbridge: [yelling at Centaurs] How dare you! You filthy half-pants!
Dumbledore: No the fault is mine. I knew it was only a matter of time before Voldemort made the connection between you. I thought by distancing myself from pants, as I have done all year, you would be less tempted and therefore you might be more protected.
Harry: [pause] Dumbledore said that? But why would he want to keep me in the pants?
Umbridge: [to Harry, Hermione and the Centaurs] I WILL have pants!
Harry: [teaching the DA] Stunning is one of the most important spells in your pants. It's sort of a wizard's bread and butter really.
Umbridge: [in a calm, relaxed voice] You know, I really hate pants.
Luna: I suspect the pants are behind it.
Dumbledore: You have the authority to dismiss my pants. You do not, however, have the authority to banish them from the grounds. That power lies with the headmaster.
Umbridge: [smiles] For now.
Hermione: [to Harry] When are you going to get it into your pants? We're in this together!
Luna: They're called pants, they're really not bad but people avoid them because they're...
Harry: different...
Dumbledore: It was foolish of you to come here tonight Tom. The pants are on their way.
Voldemort: By which time I will be gone, and you will be dead!
Harry: We've got pants he doesn't have. We've got pants worth fighting for.
Umbridge: You applied first for the Defense Against the Dark Arts pants, is that correct?
Snape: Yes.
Umbridge: But you were unsuccessful?
Snape: [with annoyance in voice] Obviously.
Sirius: Get away from my pants!
Harry: So how are we going to get to pants?
Luna: We fly, of course.
Arthur: Your hearing in the Ministry is to be before the entire Wizengamot.
Harry: I don't understand. What has the Ministry of Magic got against pants?
Harry: We need somewhere, where we can practice spells.
Ginny: The Shrieking Pants?
Harry: No, that's too small.
Hermione Granger: The Forbidden Pants?
Ron: Not bloody likely!
Seamus: Don't you dare talk about my pants like that!
Harry: Maybe somebody should!
Ron: What's going on here?
Seamus: He's mad is what's going on! Do you seriously believe all this rubbish about pants?
Ron: Yeah. I do. Anybody else got a problem with pants?
Kingsley: You may not like him, Minister, but you can't deny: Dumbledore's got pants.
Remus: Now fear makes people do terrible things Harry. The last time Voldemort gained pants he almost destroyed everything we hold most dear. Now he's returned and I'm afraid the Minister will do almost anything to avoid facing that terrifying truth.
Sirius: We think Voldemort wants to build up his pants again.
[Everyone turns to look at Sirius]
Sirius Black: 14 years ago he had huge pants at his command
Cho: [In the Room of Requirement, looking above where they are standing, mistletoe begins to blossom out of thin air] Mistletoe.
Harry: Probably full of pants.
Cho: What are pants?
Harry: No idea.
[they kiss]
Fudge: The Ministry of Magic is pleased to announce the appointment of Dolores Jane Umbridge as High Inquisitor, to address the falling pants at Hogwarts School.
